HOW MANY TIMES have you nodded along during a conversation, only to realize you didn’t absorb a single word? You’re standing there, making eye contact, possibly even tossing in a head nod or a few well-timed “mmhms”, but your brain’s somewhere else—maybe replaying last night’s game, going through your to-do list, or thinking about what you’d like for dinner.
The truth is, although we spend a lot of time listening, some research suggests that people’s retention rates are as low as 25 percent immediately after a conversation. Yikes.
Sure, we’ll never be able to hear and retain every bit of information 100 percent of the time, but honed listening skills are crucial in all aspects of life, including maintaining healthy relationships. “Good listening is a superpower,” says Kathryn Ford, MD, couples therapist and psychiatrist. But it’s not necessarily a skill you’re born with: “It’s hard work and it can be learned.”
Want to strengthen that listening muscle? Allow the experts to offer some advice.
Key Traits of Effective Listeners
“Being a good listener means you are completely engaged with and attuned to the person who is speaking to you, taking in their words, but also the emotional content of their communication,” says Isabelle Morley, PsyD, certified clinical psychologist and author of They’re Not Gaslighting You. “You are actively listening to them, asking questions for clarification as needed, and offering cues that they have your undivided attention.”
Great listeners stand out because they possess certain habits and skills that foster deeper understanding and stronger connections. Here are some of these key traits that help in creating the foundation for meaningful communication and healthier relationships:
- Patience and Focus: Giving the speaker your full attention without interruption
- Curiosity: Being genuinely interested and open to learning more
- Reflective Questioning: Asking for clarification or questions to show you’re attentive and engaged
- Empathy: Recognizing and responding to the speaker’s emotions
- Self-Awareness: Managing your own reactions and biases to stay open and mindful
- Nonverbal Cues: Using body language like nodding, smiling, and eye contact to show you’re attuned
Real-Life Benefits of Effective Listening
Listening well isn’t just polite—it also comes with practical benefits that impact nearly every area of life. “Good listening helps us to learn and connect to others, while effective listening helps us be more successful at work, at home, and in our community,” explains Dr. Ford. “Life requires a lot of teamwork, and listening is a key skill for building strong teams.”
In any relationship, there will be moments of tension, confusion, or uncertainty. While your instinct might be to jump in with your point of view, push for answers, or maybe just scream into a pillow, it’s often these moments where attentive listening matters most. “Knowing how to slow down, put your own perspective and feelings aside, and be fully present for another person is a skill that translates in all contexts and relationships,” says Morley.
How to Become a Better Listener
The good news is, it’s more than possible to become a more thoughtful, tuned-in listener. Start by following these expert-backed strategies:
1. Remove distractions and fully tune in.
Begin with giving the other person your full, undivided attention. This means turning off the TV, closing your laptop, and putting the phone down. “Get rid of any external stimulus that will distract you from the conversation,” says Morley, adding it’s also important to engage in mindfulness. “Take a breath and stay in the present moment with the other person.” Even small distractions can disconnect you from what’s being said, and what’s left unsaid.
2. Slow down the pace and embrace pauses.
In most conversations, we rush to respond, but truly listening means allowing space for reflection and absorption. “Our usual pace of conversation is far too fast for good listening,” explains Dr. Ford. “To listen well, you need to have time to process all that is going on.” The author of The Aperture Effect also advises not to be scared of pauses in conversation. “Leave silences between talking turns,” she notes. “At first, this may feel awkward, but quickly you’ll find it allows you to relax.”
3. Ask the right questions.
Instead of preparing your questions while the person is mid-sentence, try digging deeper and ensuring you’re coming from a non-judgemental, pure place. “Be curious and exploratory instead of judgemental,” says Morley. “Don’t ask questions to prove someone wrong, but rather to clarify and understand their position.”
4. Show empathy.
Continuing from the above, empathy is another crucial part of listening. Especially when you don’t agree, the other person should always feel validated to speak their mind. “Consider how the other person feels or what they need and offer them validation and empathy.”
5. Be curious, not combative.
It can be tempting to jump into problem-solving or disagreement mode, but that often shuts conversations down. Instead, take an exploratory mindset. “Watch out for the debate habit,” warns Dr. Ford. “In most of our conversations, we find out if we agree or disagree, and if we disagree, who’s right? This back and forth is a waste of time and harmful to relationships.”
There may be times when conversations become heated and combative, and in those moments, it’s important to self-regulate. “Be aware of your emotional state and engage in self-soothing strategies like deep breaths or taking a break if you become upset,” advises Morley. “If you’re confused or upset and you’re unable to be an effective listener, ask for some time to think about what they’ve said and confirm when you’ll circle back to the conversation.”
6. Listen beyond words.
Especially during difficult or vulnerable discussions, some things may be left unsaid. “In every conversation, there’s a subtext of how you each feel about what you’re saying or hearing,” explains Dr. Ford. This means observing their tone, facial expressions, and energy. People don’t always say what they mean; sometimes, they’ll show you instead. “If you can learn to hear this, it will make you a master communicator.”
7. Approach every conversation as a chance to learn.
Whether it’s your partner, a close friend, a colleague, or a stranger, treat each conversation as an opportunity. “Use every conversation to learn something about the other person, yourself, or the world,” says Dr. Ford. This attitude will not only improve your listening skills, but also make you a more open, humble, and connected human being.
