I Paid Nearly All Our Bills While My Husband Refused to Work—Now I’m Done

Relationships and finances can be tricky to navigate. Sometimes they even bring about revelations that determine the direction of a marriage. Trisha experienced this when her husband refused to get a regular job, and she finally learnt what had been happening in her marriage this whole time. She wrote to us in an attempt to make sense of it all.

Trisha’s letter:

Hi Bright Side,

My name is Trisha, I’m 39, and I’ve been married to my husband Steven (41) for almost 7 years now. When we first got together, he made it super clear that a “normal” 9 to 5 job just wasn’t for him. He’s a creative who’s into music, random business ideas, and freelancing.

At first, I admired that about him. He had passion and big ideas, and I thought maybe he just needed someone who believed in him. I was happy to be that person.

Fast-forward a few years, though, and I was the one working. And the worst part? He acted like this was totally fine.

When I brought it up and told him that it was hard to make things add up and that I was craving some stability, he literally said, “Then make it happen.” So, I did.

I got another job. Then another side gig. I hustled, covering 90% of our bills, rent, food, car, insurance, health stuff… you name it.

At first, I felt proud, like, okay, I’m making this work for both of us. I thought he’d step up eventually, but he didn’t.

Lately, we barely talk about anything that matters. No future plans. No shared goals. Not even silly stuff like what to have for dinner. We just sort of exist in the same space.

I tried bringing it up again and said I felt like we were drifting, and he replied, “Well, you’re always working.” That stung. Because yeah, I am always working… for us.

I’m honestly starting to wonder if I built a whole life around someone who doesn’t actually want to build anything. I don’t want to resent him, but I’m starting to. And when I think about how little he contributes, both emotionally and financially, I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

So am I wrong for finally being tired of carrying everything, even though I knew the kind of person he was from the beginning of our relationship?

Yours,
Trisha

Hi Trisha, thank you for your story. This is what we have to say.

Stable or hustling — money has to be made.

Making money is a necessity. There are people working jobs they don’t like because they understand that. Steven, being a creative, doesn’t give him a free pass to check out from reality, especially when you have to carry all the weight. His lifestyle is literally coming at your expense and honestly, his unbotheredness is bothering.

The shared life you’re building together requires effort from both sides, but right now, you’re the only one putting it in and not just with the bills, but you’re literally carrying the entire relationship. And the fact that you feel taken advantage of means there’s a part of you that knows you’re worth more than what you’re getting.

You don’t need to feel guilty about growing apart.

It’s okay to realize the life or relationship you thought you wanted no longer aligns with who you are now. You’ve grown and changed, and that’s life. Steven has stayed exactly the same. There’s a clear imbalance. Because a relationship is two people growing together, so how can you build a life together when you aren’t on the same page.

If Steven refuses to get on your page, then you either go back to his or you write your own story. You’ve experienced what it’s like to be independent and self-sufficient, so that may be hard to do. You seriously need to ask yourself who you want to be, and will you be okay with yourself and him, should you choose to stay in your marriage and nothing changes.

Trust your gut. You’re already doing hard things.

Trust your instincts, they’re trying to protect you. You’ve already proven you can do hard things. You don’t need to keep proving it to someone who isn’t even trying. You’ve shown that you can survive under pressure, make things happen, and carry heavy loads.

You’ve proven your strength again and again. You are already capable. You just haven’t had someone standing next to you who recognizes your strength and matches it with their own.

Trisha, it’s time to take a good, hard look at your marriage and decide if it’s the marriage that you’d like to continue with. If not, hard conversations need to be had and ultimately, hard decisions need to be made.

Remember to trust yourself and to remember your strength. If you let it inspire you then we have a feeling that the next chapter of your life might be better than the first.

Read on to learn about another woman who refused to use her son’s inheritance to fund her stepson’s college. His response was interesting and things took a sharp and threatening turn.

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