S OME PEOPLE MAY sexually desire a so-called “hot” celeb, or feel ready to hook up on a first date. But others experience sexual attraction only after they have an emotional connection with someone.
People who require this emotional bond for sexual attraction may choose to identify as “demisexual.” A person who is demisexual also can identify as gay, straight, pansexual, and so on, and they can have any gender identity. Demisexual people may rarely experience sexual attraction, and may rarely desire sex—though they still may decide to have it.
Sound confusing…or, perhaps, familiar? We’re breaking the meaning of demisexuality, including what to know if you identify (or think you might identify) this way, or date someone who does.
What does demisexual mean?
In the most straightforward terms, demisexuality is defined as: “a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person.”
At this point, it’s important to pause and acknowledge that there are various kinds of attraction. Sexual attraction relates to the desire for sexual contact. This is not the same as romantic attraction, emotional attraction, or aesthetic attraction. People who are demisexual also can feel other kinds of attraction, like the desire to hug or cuddle, says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, a sex and relationship therapist and Men’s Health Advisory Panel member.
It’s also important to recognize that needing emotional connection to feel sexual attraction—i.e., being demisexual—is not the same as choosing not to have sex until you have that bond with someone. Sexual orientation is different than behavior. While behaviors refer to our choices, “psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed,” the American Psychological Association notes.
Someone who is demisexual may decide to have sex without sexual attraction—perhaps to procreate or for whatever reason. (Similarly, a person who identifies differently may abstain from sex, though they desire it.)
A preference is not the same as something that is part of your identity, says Howard. You get to experience sexuality in ways that feel safe and true to you.
Is it the same as asexuality?
Some people think demisexuality is the same as asexuality—i.e., having little to no interest in sexual activity. While the terms are related, they’re not the same.
Asexuality is defined as: “the state or quality of having little or no sexual attraction to other people.” Whereas demisexual attraction is dependent on making an emotional connection. See the difference?
That said, “there’s a ridiculous amount of diversity in experience under the asexual umbrella,” Cody Daigle-Orians, an asexual writer and educator, previously told Men’s Health. “but for all of us, it is an experience of having sexual attraction occupy a very different place in our personal experiences, one that is not primary, and sometimes, for a lot of us, it’s not there at all.”
Demisexuality is sometimes said to fall under the asexual umbrella. According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, some people also may refer to demisexuality when discussing graysexuality (aka “gray-A” or “gray-ace”), as graysexuality refers to limited sexual attraction:
“Gray asexuality is a term with many possible definitions, while demisexuality has a more specific definition: feeling sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond. However, some demisexuals consider demisexuality to be under the gray asexual umbrella because it involves feeling sexual attraction in specific circumstances. Some demisexuals also relate to other definitions of gray asexuality, such as finding experiences of sexual attraction confusing or hard to pin down. It is possible and valid to use both labels if they both apply.”
While that’s a lot to take in, Howard says learning these new labels is important. “As we grow, as we get more information, the labels become more important to help people express themselves.”
How can I tell if I’m demisexual?
If you don’t feel sexual attraction instantly or to people randomly, these may be signs of demisexuality, Howard says.
More signs, according to the Demisexuality Resource Center, include feeling like sex is an obligation, being confused about sexual attraction, and liking the idea of sex but not being able to think of anyone you want to do it with.
Every demisexual person is different, says Howard, noting some may want romantic relationships while others may not—and some may not want sex at all.
Some people also can feel conflicted, she continues, because they might not know they’re demisexual, and then find themselves sexually attracted to a friend. But someone demisexual doesn’t need to be “in love” to feel close.
If you’re feeling confused in your own life, consider talking with a therapist who can help. Also find “your people,” Howard says, referring to a community that understands you. And if you decide to date, know your goals and boundaries and decide when you feel safe enough to disclose your sexuality, Howard says.
By the way, if someone isn’t a match, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, Howard says.
What should you know about dating someone who’s demisexual?
As always, communication is key. If you’re dating someone who is demisexual, it’s important to know what that means for them, Howard says. You can start by showing interest in who they are in general. Then, you can ask questions like:
- “I saw on your profile that you’re demisexual/heard you saying you’re demisexual. Is it OK if I ask you about that?”
- “How would you suggest that I get to know you?”
- “What does being demisexual mean to you?”
You may also want to do general research on your own, including via the Demisexuality Resource Center.
But also, understand your own needs. If someone isn’t a match, that’s okay, too.
“When we’re dating, and when we’re in relationships with people, it’s all about data collection,” Howard says. “If this isn’t your lane, it’s important to know your lane, and it’s important to communicate that to your partner.”
As Howard notes: “It’s important to understand that each person has the right to self-determination, and each person is the expert on their own sexuality.”
FAQs:
What does demipansexuality mean?
Demipansexuality combines the terms and concepts of pansexuality and demisexuality. As such, it refers to a person who is attracted to all genders (pansexuality) but does not experience said attraction until they form a deep emotional bond (demisexuality).
Can demisexuals be straight?
Yes, while the term is perhaps more often used in the LGBTQ+ community, demisexual people can technically be heterosexual. Since the demisexuality refers to the necessity to feel a strong emotional bond before feeling sexual attraction, it’s not specifically tied to any particular gender preference.
Leslie Quander Wooldridge is a writer, editor, speaker, and coach whose articles have reached tens of millions of readers; find her at lesliequander.com.
